Forever is one of those words that does not make sense to everyone. Forever is hard to comprehend…for most people. Forever is a part of my life.
The truth about forever is that forever lives inside of me. I was diagnosed with a forever when I was 10 years old. A chronic disease with no known cure, therefore I will have diabetes indefinitely. Sometimes the hopefuls sugar coat this concept with phrases like “they are working on a cure” and “hopefully in your lifetime.” It’s as if they attempt to hang a curtain in the middle of the ocean, but as soon as a gust of wind comes you can still see that it’s endless. Sugar coating is not always the best way to cope with diabetes anyways.
The truth about forever is that it hurts sometimes. When you find yourself laying down on the bathroom floor after vomiting from high blood sugar, you have a hard time fathoming that this is a part of your life whether you like it or not. Forever feels like the longest time in the world when you spend more nights in restless sleep than you do sleeping soundly. It hurts when I am not sure if the feeling of my fingertips dancing on someone else’s body even feels good because they are so rough and calloused from being stabbed with needles over 60 times a week. There isn’t enough shea butter or paraffin hand masks in the world to revive them and make them less sore. Diabetes hurts when you have to count on someone else to help you take care of yourself. When your body is too weak to stand up and your hands are shaking as you try to hold the glass of juice you need to bring you blood sugar up, when your vision is blurry and you are sweating because your brain is deprived of the glucose it needs to make you live. It’s embarrassing to be so forsaken by your own body and it hurts to put someone else in a position where they are suddenly obligated to make sure you do not die. Despite how well you control it, there will always be times where the unexpected happens. On top of everything else, diabetes will always be there too.
The truth about forever is that it makes sense to me. Certain things in life become rhythmic when you repeat them so many times. I will forever leave my house with a bag that has my meter and a snack in it. Just in case. To be honest, I would feel incredibly nervous without it. When I would daydream about my wedding day as a preteen I would also think about where my insulin pump might go to be concealed under my dress. For every time I have angrily punched carb counts into my pump, I could not imagine my life without it. I have a dependent relationship on an inanimate object without which I would die. I have this insulin pump attached to me and I will forever, that just makes sense. Diabetes lasting forever makes sense to me because although I was 10 when I was diagnosed, I can not remember my life without it. All the memories of binge eating candy carelessly as a child are gone. There were times when I would play outside for too long on an empty stomach and only get hungry without my body failing me and my blood sugar getting low. These are moments that I know happened but I will never fully be able to remember.
The truth about forever is that once you can feel it, you can be stronger than anyone who can’t. I can’t tell you how long my forever is, but I know that I am okay with it. Of course I get sad sometimes, but the exclamations of “why me” have been replaced by “this is why” because I have made it this far. I can flirt with my forever because I know the way it works. It’s tricky sometimes, it might creep up on me in the night, it might scare me, it might make me mad, but the games become somewhat predictable after while. Diabetes is a piece of my forever and I know I can handle it. Most people can’t promise you something that can last forever. Forever does not make sense to them. It seems imaginary, like mermaids. They do their best to understand forever with flippant uses of the word. “It’s been forever since we have seen each other.” Forever is more than a month that has gone by. Forever is a lifetime, or longer. Once you know what a bit of forever feels like, you can promise other forevers with more certainty and confidence than anyone else. No sugar coating necessary.
All my Love,